I clearly remember standing in front of that piece of artwork when I was in Tate Liverpool and thinking I know that feeling. It was so powerful that I had to take a photo of it and show it to people. Not everyone got it, but those who did instantly recognised it, that feeling “It is all too much”, and “I’ve had enough.” My imagination gave me the image of someone just face planted into the huge pile. What the “it” that is too much is, can be different at different times. The difficulty is often recognising the slow creep of emotion or things to do that build over time. I don’t know about you, but often it is only when something gives that I recognise that it has been building, and that how I am feeling right now isn’t about the immediate situation I am dealing with.
How do you respond when it all gets on top of you?
As I have started developing my own self-awareness and working with others, I have noticed that we don’t always respond in the same way. There is no one thing that tells us we are reaching breaking point. Sometimes we can feel hijacked by our own anger and depth of frustration. Alternatively, you may find yourself just wanting to burst into tears and get filled with feeling hopeless. Some of us may lose our temper, some may get confused and struggle to make decisions or feel like we are going around in circles. Now with the internet, we can lose ourselves online for such a long time and keep putting off things we need to do as we just can’t find the energy or enthusiasm to do them.
This can happen even when we have already acknowledged to ourselves we are going through a lot. It maybe that we are starting a new job or moving house or doing anything that is outside of our comfort zone. We make plans and reassure ourselves that it will be ok and then life puts something unexpected in your way. It could be anything from the shop you wanted to get milk on the way home being closed, to being stuck behind a slow vehicle in traffic. Suddenly you feel you go from just about keeping it together and holding your head above water to feeling like you are drowning, and you can’t do it anymore.
What do you do next?
It can be so tempting to fall back on old habits and just go for it, run around shouting at others and blaming them, or just giving up and walking away. We may find it hard to do the thing we need to, as we tell ourselves it’s too late. This can be especially true if we are someone who struggles with setbacks and tends to catastrophise. We are then left to deal with the aftermath of how we have reacted in that moment. Learning how to manage your responses can take time, however it is possible to be open to new solutions.
It is important to remember that there is no one size fits and in fact no one size fits every situation. What I find helpful today, won’t necessarily be the same as what was useful before. Knowing options can help though and starts with acknowledging to yourself how you feel and what is going on for you. Simply naming, I have had enough, or this all feels too much, is a helpful start. The situation you are in also makes a difference, so if I am at home and drop the milk carton and it spills all over the floor, I have different choices to if I am driving and suddenly find myself in a traffic jam or stuck behind a slow vehicle.
What to do?
The answer to this varies. For me I need something very different if I am full of anger to if I am feeling tearful or procrastinating. When I am angry, I often find moving helps. Either by going for a walk or going for a run, something to use up all that energy. That’s difficult in a car I appreciate. In a car I will start with my breath. I will sigh out and name this is a pain, if I am on my own, I may just have a scream in the car. It is all about knowing what you need in this moment and not thinking there is only one solution. I am also someone who needs people to process and talk things through, usually, though not always. You may be someone who needs to go away, have some space away from people to think things through in your own mind. Sometimes I just need to sit and watch what I call a comfort movie. It gives me the chance to focus on something else and gradually my mind settles. You could just do one thing off the list to start you moving towards what you need to get done, set yourself small goals. Sometimes you find when you just start something , you then find yourself doing the next thing. Maybe I will send that one email or make that one phone call. The options are many and it can take time to know and understand what works for you. Remember, what you need can change and that is ok, sometimes what we need isn’t available. The person you want to talk to could be busy. Start to notice what you are telling yourself and see if it is negative and critical or can you think of something helpful. When stuck in a traffic jam I often use a gratitude practise to reframe the situation, such as being grateful that I am safe in this moment and that I will eventually get to my destination. In fairness it has taken practise to be able to have perspective, and it isn’t always available to me.
Reflecting afterwards
Sometime after, when you have a quiet calm moment, allow yourself to be curious about how you got to that point. Doing this with a compassionate and generous attitude allows us to learn and understand ourselves better. I remind myself of the words of Kristen Neff, that I have adapted slightly
“This (was) a moment of suffering. Suffering is part of life. May I be kind to myself in this moment. May I give myself the compassion I need”
Oftentimes the signs were there, I tend to just keep going and so have learnt to rest and realise there is time. The more you can allow yourself to reflect with compassion, the more you will gradually notice your unique signals that all is not well, and become confident in taking the steps you need. This is never foolproof. Being human means we will never get it right all the time. When it all gets too much, offer yourself compassion, not judgement. It is also ok to reach out and get support in learning how to do this. Counselling is also about learning self-kindness, a skill a lot of us have not gained or experienced.
I often use a loving kindness meditation when I find myself critical or judgemental after I have reacted in a way I would not choose. I find it helps and maybe you will too.
May I love and accept myself just as I am in this moment.
