How was your January – are you amongst the many breathing a sigh of relief as it comes to an end? The new year often starts with a flourish of good intentions, resolutions and a determination to do things differently. It is a time of fresh starts and new beginnings. Reading through the advice at the start of the year it can seem to be a time of contradictions as well. The call at the start of the month is either to reinvent yourself or give something up, to have a word for the year, to do something. Alternatively, we are invited to embrace the season, to light fires and wear cosy socks – to slow down, to rest. Implicit in all of this is a message that somehow, we need to change, to be different or to do things differently and that January shouldn’t be a struggle for any of us.
The focus is on trying to solve the difficulties and the message is that somehow there is something wrong with us if we don’t manage to do this. We can somehow be led to believe that our lives should be free of problems and there is always something we can do about it. Yet the reality is that January is a difficult month, the days are short, the weather is grey, our finances are recovering from December. We return to the reality of our everyday lives and the tinsel and twinkly lights have all gone, it can feel depressing. Reflecting on this, and the call to do something, reminded me of a quote that I came across a few years ago by Bob Sharples. He is a meditation teacher and his words offer an alternative way of thinking which spoke to me as the month progressed
“there is no longer any need for the subtle aggression of self-improvement, for the endless guilt of not doing enough. It offers the possibility of an end to the ceaseless round of trying so hard that wraps so many people’s lives up in a knot”
There is a fine balance with self-help and personal development to make sure that it doesn’t become another way we see ourselves in a negative light – as wrong or broken or in need of sorting. I often say to people I work with, “You aren’t a sock drawer that needs tidying, you aren’t something that is broken and needs fixing”. Often, I find that it is the unrealistic expectations we have picked up over the years that create a story that I am not how I should be. What if instead of asking ourselves the question, what is wrong with me why am I finding it difficult, we asked ourselves the question, this is a difficult time for me, what do I need? How would that shift your attitude towards yourself? The invitation is to have a kinder more compassionate attitude towards yourself, to acknowledge the reality and accept what life is like for you in this season or time. What if that is where we start on the journey of change rather than from a rejection of who and how we are.
However, I appreciate that accepting where we are is a challenge, from quite a young age so many of us encounter criticism that who or how we are is not acceptable. This is where self-compassion and loving kindness meditations can help. In the words of Chris Germer who pioneered and researched self compassion, “we offer ourselves compassion because we suffer not to make ourselves feel better.” It took some time for me to get my head around that, but think how you would respond to another person who was having a hard time. Would you dismiss it by saying there are others who struggle more, as though you can only have compassion when you reach a certain intensity of suffering. It is as important to have empathy and compassion towards yourself as well as others.
As I got towards the end of January, I realised that for a number of reasons, it had been difficult. What I noticed was once I acknowledged that and started practising some loving kindness meditations, the problems didn’t go away, but I felt more empowered to walk through them. Meditation might not be for you, there are many ways we can offer ourselves kindness through simple gestures. You may be feeling exhausted and recovering from having had one of the many viruses that were around. Can you allow yourself to take your time, to fit your expectations of yourself to that reality, rather than thinking you have to get well quickly and rush to catch up.
If you are having a hard time at work, either because you don’t like your job or you are worried about redundancies can you find someone to talk things through rather than having to go it alone. The starting point is often admitting that you need something, once you do that you can begin to explore what you need.
Looking after our mental health and well being doesn’t mean that our lives will run smoothly and we will never feel anxious, stressed or experience low moods. Resilience is about being resourced and supported and knowing how to access help when you need it. Self-compassion is one of those resources as is the ability to accept life as it is. As Carl Jung says, “the curious paradox is that when I can accept myself as I am then I can change.
These reflections on January have led me to this invitation, can you allow yourself to be as you are and treat yourself with kindness and compassion. From that place you may well find it a lot easier to start to create the change that you are looking for. This is something we can carry forward into the rest of the year, as well as remind ourselves next January. For me I am going to continue with my loving kindness meditation, what will you do?