This morning when I was listening to a mindfulness meditation talk, I was reminded of a quote by James Joyce which I had read when I was studying for my A Levels. It comes from the book Dubliners and this is the quote:
“ Mr Duffy lived a short distance from his body”
At that time, I explored it from an intellectual and analytical perspective while studying, trying to make sense of something that in reality I didn’t grasp. It is a profound quote and speaks to how so many of us live our lives today, disconnected from our body, and therefore disconnected from ourselves. It is only as I have learned to become more connected to myself and my own body through a mixture of therapy and mindfulness training that I recognised myself in that quote. I wonder if you do as well. That process is what has led to my interest in body psychotherapy and understanding about how our body stores emotions. The book The Body Keeps the Score fascinated me from an early stage of my training and introduced me to a whole new way to relate to myself and my body. To understand it from a different perspective and to notice how my body was actually always on my side, always trying to do the best to help me survive and exist in the world I found myself.
As part of mindfulness training, we do a meditation called a body scan, which is a way of slowly learning to reconnect with the physical sensations in our body. It is not uncommon when I ask someone, “how does that feel in your body?” that I am met with a blank look. We can become so disconnected that we no longer notice the signals that our body gives us, we have become so accustomed to ignoring ourselves and just keeping going. It isn’t just our emotions that we disconnect from, in today’s 24 hour society many of us ignore our need for rest or sleep. We get disconnected from the signals our body gives us of the need to move, to nourish ourselves or even the need to be held by another.
Learning to love or even like your body, when you have a challenging relationship with it is a big ask. It is not something that is an easy fix with a simple solution, it takes time, and it takes patience. Even the language I am using to write this, reveals the sense a lot of us live with, that our bodies are somehow separate from us. That in fact our body is not us. It isn’t just that we don’t like our body because it doesn’t look right, or it doesn’t work how it should, or it has been damaged in some way either by an accident or an illness. Our bodies can let us down by feeling things that we believe we shouldn’t or reacting to situations and people in ways we don’t want. So, we judge, we often hate, and we try to make our body be something that it can’t be. The truth is as Lori Deschene says, “we can’t hate ourselves into a version of ourselves that we can love”.
So how can you move forward to have a better relationship with your body?
For me, as always, the first step is acknowledging where you are right now. Are you able to own the difficult feelings you are experiencing towards or about your body? To be able to do this without judging yourself with an attitude of curiosity not judgement. None of us start out hating our bodies, and being curious allows us to understand where these feelings come from, and to name them. Just the act of naming them can allow you to find some sort of release. For some that will be enough. It is important not to force yourself to develop a better relationship with your body until you feel ready. Learning to trust where you are and listen to yourself matters. Be where you are and let go of any idea of what you should be doing. Small steps taken in the right direction is the attitude to cultivate.
Being able to speak or write about the difficult feelings you have about your body is a starting place. You may need to explore the feelings of grief if you have a body that has been injured or doesn’t work in the way you want it. This could be through an illness such as diabetes or Crohn’s or another autoimmune disease. These can all lead us to feel less than and it is important to remember that your worth and value and belonging are not dependent upon your looks or your abilities. You matter and are important because you exist.
What can you do to begin to develop a better relationship with your body?
Notice the positive about your body. You may say there is nothing positive, but there is always something. You can marvel at how it allows you to move, to breathe, to eat, to think, to create, to see, and to hear. We can take these things for granted. In noticing what is positive we begin to challenge the negative thoughts and view we take of our body.
Become aware of how you speak to yourself. Would you speak to anyone else in that way? Don’t judge yourself for that and get into a spiral of criticism. Notice it and recognise it as a habit that was how you were trying to help yourself. Negative thinking is part of our survival mechanism and how our brains are wired.
Take care of your body and develop an intention of nurturing rather than punishing your body. Recognise your limits and notice when frustration gets you to push through them. If you are in physical pain, don’t ignore it and push through.
Remember, learning anything new takes time and it is okay for it to take as long as it takes to change your attitude and relationship to yourself and your body. There are so many blessings that can come when we do this, when we are more in tune with our body we can notice when we feel something and take action. We become more aware and can take in the positive. I will leave you with the words of the poet John O’Donohue from his poem “ A blessing for the senses”
May your body be blessed
May you realise that your body is a faithful
And beautiful friend of your soul
